that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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