I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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