Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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