What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
