you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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