I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
