So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
