the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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