thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize