A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
