my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
