I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
