my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
