you guys were way drunker than both of me
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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