I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
