Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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