btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
