'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
