Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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