no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
