if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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