Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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