A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So apparently I’m into choking now
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