I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
