She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
