i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
