Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Randomize
