so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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