thus making me awesome and them whores
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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