She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
