I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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