And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
