Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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