im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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