When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
