Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
