life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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