I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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