Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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