If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
