he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
