He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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