You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
