You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
