i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
