I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
