I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
