So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
