if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
