Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
