enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize