I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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