did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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