cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
