pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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