i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
