Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
