I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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