in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
