Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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