i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
