I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
