I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Pants are for mortals
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
