we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
