Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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