Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
