One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
