the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
