We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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