What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You're a waste of cheezeits
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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