Michael Bay diarrhea
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
