at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
