Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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