the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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