I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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